10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.