@ArfMeasures INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
@Dad_At_Law 10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
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@ArfMeasures 
@TheToddWilliams Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
@SardonicTart [Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
@bridger_w “I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
@TheBoydP I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
@Manda_like_wine My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
@Gupton68 So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
@SweatyGardener When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
@SarcasticRover Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
@Tmoney68 I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.