@Dad_At_Law

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

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@ArfMeasures

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

@TheToddWilliams

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

@bridger_w

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

@TheBoydP

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

@Manda_like_wine

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

@Gupton68

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

@SweatyGardener

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

@Tmoney68

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.