10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.