10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
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[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes