10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host