10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
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3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My favorite female superhero
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming