[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
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Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I found your tweet-up…
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.