100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
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[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place