100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.