100% of divorces begin with marriage.
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Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Damn what did I do next
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.