100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Muppet Screams
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.