100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.