Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.