100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
You Might Also Like
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”