(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice