1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
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[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Quadruple digit IQ
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.