[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?