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I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.