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An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
New favorite tiktok
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
seems fine
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.