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My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.