1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Mornin
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Just ordered me some pizza!
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime