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True embarrassment lies within your first email address
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
also my go-to takeaway order
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.