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My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Clients after you give them your rates
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option