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Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
IT’S-A ME,
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running