You Might Also Like
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I’m not stressed
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away