You Might Also Like
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…