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Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.