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therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour