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The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
ACED my prostate exam!
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]