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are there any atheist mantises?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
choose your fighter
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Happy Star Wars day!
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.