ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
You Might Also Like
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t
*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.