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@MatCro

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

@BlindChow

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

@flashember

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

@BruceForce

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

@BlindChow

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@WetzelGeek

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.