10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.
5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
😜
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
How actors in movies eat their food
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.