[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
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*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Raisins are grape jerky.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”