10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.