@theshantilly

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

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@corysnearowski

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

@SondraDeeMe

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

@_davidlucas_

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

@Hadzilla

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

@DaddyJew

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

@TheAlexNevil

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

@audipenny

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

@ristolable

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not