@WheelTod Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
@theshantilly 10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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@WheelTod 
@seamusmckracken I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
@SassyTexasGal Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
@Girliegurll My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
@stewnami Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
@steveolivas 11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
@zachraffio – Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
@ElenaChainHelp1 Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
@barkingtrees [examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
@PubicZirconium lol
