10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day