@theshantilly

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

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@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

@SassyTexasGal

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

@Girliegurll

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

@stewnami

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

@steveolivas

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

@zachraffio

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

@ElenaChainHelp1

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.