@corysnearowski In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
@theshantilly 10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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@corysnearowski 
@SondraDeeMe Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
@_davidlucas_ If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
@Hadzilla Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
@DaddyJew Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
@slimmy_shady A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
@TheAlexNevil A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
@fillthevacuum We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
@audipenny i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
@ristolable A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not