10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
You Might Also Like
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Why I divorced her.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple