10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
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what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.