11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
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When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Extremely relatable.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.