11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
You Might Also Like
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!