11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.


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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.


If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.


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cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip


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ME: *slowly stands up*


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*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*