11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.