11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
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mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
im all 3
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.