11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
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My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.