11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.