11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
You Might Also Like
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target