11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
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I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.