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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Dead sexy!!
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Just got to our Airbnb!
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
also my go-to takeaway order
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*