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Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers