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Breaking news:
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.