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ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
