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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun