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Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
How does one answer this?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
This hospital has everything
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Goat cheese is for herders.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat