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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.